It’s
referred to as the end of a chapter, or a turning of the page. Some call it
starting a new adventure while others claim it’s turning over a new leaf.
However one describes what happens when life goes in a new direction, it rarely
adequately sums up the emotions that relate. Recently at my final Peace Corps
conference our Director Programs and Trainers used terms like limbo, flux,
adjustment, readjustment, and disorientation. I’d like to think that I am just
redefining what the adjective bittersweet means.
When
I say bittersweet, I am not talking about the chocolate chips I just munched
on. I mean that complicated, hard to adequately explain feeling that transpires
when two opposite feelings occur simultaneously. Just like bitter and sweet are
antonyms, according to the dictionary, as an adjective this term can mean “both
pleasant and painful or regretful.” One thing sparking opposite reactions.
That’s
how I am feeling in my last month in Selekleka, Ethiopia.
On
one hand, I am pleasantly excited about packing my bags, taking a mini bus for
the last time, and flying back through the time-zones to the waiting tight hugs
of friends and family. I smile as I close my eyes and picture a blue sky over a
baseball field with my knees showing and an iced
drink in my hand. My heart gets excited as I think about decorating my new
classroom, planning lessons with technology and the 28 smiling kids I will soon
call “mine.” I relax when I remember that I will regain my freedom of driving and
can go visit places on my own schedule. My tongue craves food it hasn’t tasted
in ages, and my hands itch to make a rhubarb pie and fresh bread. Running off a
dock, playing guitar, biking with dew on the ground, worshiping in a church in
English and more compile a long list of things I am eager to do when I get
back.
In
the other corner of my heart, I am in pain--pain from experiencing and noticing
all the “last times” happening. The last time I eat hilbet. The last time I go
to Shire. The last I see _(fill in with a bazillion friends’ names)_____
smile. The last time I dance with
Tigringans. The last…. I still have three weeks in country and I know it’s not
going to get easier. I am going to have to say goodbye to more friends,
memories, and kids (who probably don’t really understand that I am not going to
come back). I am going to continue to have to clean out the one room house that
has become a home. I am going to have to turn off my phone and disconnect with
those (Americans and Ethiopians) that have been easiest to reach the last two
years. The pain is just as real as the pleasure.
Thankfully,
I don’t have much to regret. While writing my final program report of Peace
Corps this week, I had to look back at the first research paper I wrote about my
site. This included the plans that I had said I wanted to do. Some of them I exceeded
my own expectations. Others shifted to become something new. Some just stayed
dreams. If I become critical on myself, I can point out my flaws that I am
disappointed in, but smiling faces, laughs and other thoughts soon put those in
perspective. I lived this Peace Corps life to the fullest. I don’t regret
joining Peace Corps, staying here for two years, or the mistakes that happened along
the way.
Don’t
ask me how I am. Too many people already have and I don’t know how to
adequately tell them. How can I be both happy and sad? It’s not a common place
to be and not one shared at the dinner table or through emoticons. How can one
have two pieces of her heart in two different places full of love and life and
yet feel content in just one of them? How can I articulate in a way that does
justice to this paradox of emotions?
At
our Close of Service (COS) conference, we were asked to think about the fears
and joys we feel about coming back to the States, as well as, what we want
others to know about. Here is what I want you to know: It is bittersweet. I am
leaving one home to come to another. I am ending one dream to start a new one.
I want to share about my life here and how it has changed me, but don’t know
how or where or when to start that sharing. I am going to happy and sad and
maybe not even know why. Please have patience, love and respect about how I
want to share my Peace Corps experience and how it has impacted me. I am also
looking forward to seeing how two years have impacted you so please share! And,
if all else fails or gets too confusing, chocolate chips are always an option!
For those of you who don’t already know, I am leaving
Ethiopia on the 29th and should be arriving the morning of the 30th
back in Spokane, Washington (thank you time-zones!), where I flew out of 25
months and two days (plus a leap day) ago for this adventure. I should be
finding out specific ticket information in the next couple days and will share what
I know when I know it via Facebook. Prayers for safe travels would be greatly
appreciated. Thank you all and God bless.
