Bittersweet 07 July 2016

        It’s referred to as the end of a chapter, or a turning of the page. Some call it starting a new adventure while others claim it’s turning over a new leaf. However one describes what happens when life goes in a new direction, it rarely adequately sums up the emotions that relate. Recently at my final Peace Corps conference our Director Programs and Trainers used terms like limbo, flux, adjustment, readjustment, and disorientation. I’d like to think that I am just redefining what the adjective bittersweet means.

         When I say bittersweet, I am not talking about the chocolate chips I just munched on. I mean that complicated, hard to adequately explain feeling that transpires when two opposite feelings occur simultaneously. Just like bitter and sweet are antonyms, according to the dictionary, as an adjective this term can mean “both pleasant and painful or regretful.” One thing sparking opposite reactions.

         That’s how I am feeling in my last month in Selekleka, Ethiopia.

         On one hand, I am pleasantly excited about packing my bags, taking a mini bus for the last time, and flying back through the time-zones to the waiting tight hugs of friends and family. I smile as I close my eyes and picture a blue sky over a baseball field with my knees showing and an iced drink in my hand. My heart gets excited as I think about decorating my new classroom, planning lessons with technology and the 28 smiling kids I will soon call “mine.” I relax when I remember that I will regain my freedom of driving and can go visit places on my own schedule. My tongue craves food it hasn’t tasted in ages, and my hands itch to make a rhubarb pie and fresh bread. Running off a dock, playing guitar, biking with dew on the ground, worshiping in a church in English and more compile a long list of things I am eager to do when I get back.

         In the other corner of my heart, I am in pain--pain from experiencing and noticing all the “last times” happening. The last time I eat hilbet. The last time I go to Shire. The last I see _(fill in with a bazillion friends’ names)_____ smile.  The last time I dance with Tigringans. The last…. I still have three weeks in country and I know it’s not going to get easier. I am going to have to say goodbye to more friends, memories, and kids (who probably don’t really understand that I am not going to come back). I am going to continue to have to clean out the one room house that has become a home. I am going to have to turn off my phone and disconnect with those (Americans and Ethiopians) that have been easiest to reach the last two years. The pain is just as real as the pleasure.

         Thankfully, I don’t have much to regret. While writing my final program report of Peace Corps this week, I had to look back at the first research paper I wrote about my site. This included the plans that I had said I wanted to do. Some of them I exceeded my own expectations. Others shifted to become something new. Some just stayed dreams. If I become critical on myself, I can point out my flaws that I am disappointed in, but smiling faces, laughs and other thoughts soon put those in perspective. I lived this Peace Corps life to the fullest. I don’t regret joining Peace Corps, staying here for two years, or the mistakes that happened along the way.

         Don’t ask me how I am. Too many people already have and I don’t know how to adequately tell them. How can I be both happy and sad? It’s not a common place to be and not one shared at the dinner table or through emoticons. How can one have two pieces of her heart in two different places full of love and life and yet feel content in just one of them? How can I articulate in a way that does justice to this paradox of emotions?

         At our Close of Service (COS) conference, we were asked to think about the fears and joys we feel about coming back to the States, as well as, what we want others to know about. Here is what I want you to know: It is bittersweet. I am leaving one home to come to another. I am ending one dream to start a new one. I want to share about my life here and how it has changed me, but don’t know how or where or when to start that sharing. I am going to happy and sad and maybe not even know why. Please have patience, love and respect about how I want to share my Peace Corps experience and how it has impacted me. I am also looking forward to seeing how two years have impacted you so please share! And, if all else fails or gets too confusing, chocolate chips are always an option!

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For those of you who don’t already know, I am leaving Ethiopia on the 29th and should be arriving the morning of the 30^th back in Spokane, Washington (thank you time-zones!), where I flew out of 25 months and two days (plus a leap day) ago for this adventure. I should be finding out specific ticket information in the next couple days and will share what I know when I know it via Facebook. Prayers for safe travels would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all and God bless.